Work – What I can do, or who I can be?

I’ve written a fair amount about work-life-balance over the past year. And I’ve thought about it even more.

Should I continue to try to keep my private life (e.g. life as a mother of four children) fully out of my work life (as I try to do as well vice-versa)?

What does “balance” really mean? Time? Quality? Freedom to choose this balance myself, or flexibility to shift it when needed?

I’ve also reflected a lot on where I fit in, work-wise. Where can I add (most) value? What type of environment supports me unfold and create this value? How can I ensure that I can remain or become increasingly supportive of others? Where can I set limits when I feel that others or I myself are being abused?

A lot of these questions ultimately come down to questioning whether work is just something that I “do”, or where I can “be me”.

Some people are (perhaps enviably) able to protect their own personalities, health and wellbeing, and personal lives by seeing work as “just a job”. I always think they must be immensely thick-skinned not to give in to pressure, a sometimes unbearable expected or demanded workload, or be affected by an abusive or inefficient work culture. Other people don’t even seem to care much whether they even get work done, it’s just a place where they go to get a pay-check that funds the rest of their lives.

I’ve never been able to work this way. I work to get work done, and I am immensely affected by my work environment. I’ve always tried to shape (and sometimes protect) what I can (including or especially for my staff/team members, i.e. by buffering), but the reality is that – especially in large organisations – it’s very difficult to change organisational ways of working and work cultures.

I’ve throughout these two decades of working realised that I “can do” my work in nearly any context. Whether it gets used, or has any impact, has been a different question. But I’ve gotten my stuff done, I’ve delivered what was expected or asked for.

But I’ve also come to realise that there have been very few work places where I have been able to “be who I am”, and also who I want to be. Very concretely, this means: also being a mother, someone who works and sees value in working across rigid boundaries, someone who finds a lot of value in supporting in particular more junior colleagues and people outside of my organisation, and someone who wants to help create a positive and healthy work environment.

When “what I can do” and “who I can be” have conflicted in a work environment, I’ve started to feel a huge disconnect. I’ve felt that I am losing what really brings value, and has meaning, in my work. I have felt out of balance, and sometimes this has had very practical consequences for my work-life balance and wellbeing (including work demands eating into my family hours, rest periods, or even sleep hours). When, in addition, “what I can do” seems to have little or no impact in improving other people’s lives, I have made a decision to leave.

Some people can thrive solely on getting a pay check. For others, it seems sufficient to get their work done. I may expect a lot, but at this point of my life and career, I expect to do have it all: get my work done, have impact, and still stay true to who I am and want to be.