Being a parent during a pandemic

Life is not easy for anyone during this Covid19 pandemic. We’re all struggling with fears, living with restrictions, missing social contacts, and have little change to look forward to.

The double burden

As a parent, we face and try to manage these challenges not only in our own lives, but also feel responsible for the safety, health and well-being of our children.

For working parents, we’re in addition juggling all of this while trying to do our jobs, many while children are at home during lockdown – some with a few hours of online schooling or daycare, others left with a pile of printouts or without.

Our normal caretaking and support structures for our children have dissolved. Daycare, school, hobbies, camps, babysitters, playdates, time with friends, days or weekends with relatives or grandparents – all not possible.

The long days – month after months – and the logistics of life with children, often feel like a burden. We’re not just parents anymore, but also teachers, tutors, therapists, time managers, cooks, cleaners, shoppers, and even try to act as surrogate playdates or friends to our children. We’re drained at the end of the day and work week, even more so than usual. The weekend brings little change or respite.

A year into the pandemic, we’re also tired of trying to provide stability, normalcy and hope. Just as we ourselves have been naive about how long these restrictions would impact our lives, we’ve again and again let down our children with our hopes that an end to this pandemic is in sight and imminent.

We’re also struggling to explain why much of the world has gone haywire, and protect our children from this madness. Why do some people deliberately want to put others – including people we love – at risk? Why is there so much hate and even incitement of violence? Why does the future for our children look so bleak, and when will this limbo state end and their future (re)start?

The joy

On the other hand, we’re blessed to have so much time with our children. Our workplaces, travels, school, hobbies, shopping and entertainment culture, as well as social lives outside of the family are not constantly pulling us in different directions.

We’re in many ways forced to get creative, and think of small, mundane activities that we can do together, or support our children with. We can take joy in the creativity that is unleashed in our children, watching them come up with projects and ideas.

We have more time to talk, cuddle, and get to know each other – both strengths and weaknesses. We as working parents can explain why our work matters, but why listening to our work calls makes it sound absurd. We can try to learn to share the household burden, and take time to teach our children life skills such as cooking, cleaning and laundry.

We’re blessed not to be alone, but to have each other.

Things fall apart

For many parents, it’s immensely difficult during this pandemic to focus on these joys, or find the time, energy, or ability to do so. Many parents are struggling with their own health, mental health, simultaneously taking care of their own elderly parents, and facing constant existential and economic challenges.

Many working parents are utterly overwhelmed and at the end of their wits and energy at the end of the day, having failed to perform in their full-time jobs or during critical meetings, and having parked their children for another nine hours in front of Netflix or Instagram.

The exponential rise in mental health problems in both adults and children is testament to these realities that many families face, as are increasing rates of domestic violence and abuse.

Learning from adversity

As a mother of four children, many of the above generalisations are a daily reality in my personal life. I feel the strain, burden, fears, boredom, restrictions, and responsibility. Many aspects of our life feel like they are falling apart, and we’re constantly running to stick things back together.

But I’m also very privileged to be able to experience the joys, and create space for these joys. My family and I are extremely privileged to be living in a country with a sane political leadership and strong, universal health system. We do not face economic threats or hardship, and have two parents who share the burden of caretaking and household work. We have caring families and friends, even if they are far away. Our school provides fairly reliable online schooling for our school-aged children. We have been able to restructure our work in a way that works with our family needs. And we have been able to get external and emergency help and support when we or our children have needed it.

If anything, this pandemic has been the best – if harshest – lesson I have ever had in my nearly 15 years of being a parent. It has forced me to reprioritise many issues, and also make some difficult decisions. It has forced me to rethink my own role and responsibilities as a parent, and again evaluate how our political, health and education system works. It has shown me what is essential, and where systemic gaps in the above systems have failed our family, and my children. The pandemic has also through these experience hammered home just how daunting, challenging – and at times impossible – this task is for many families, parents and children who do not live with the privileges that I have. This pandemic has forced me to question my mindset, and attitude towards challenges – including how I live these out and portray these in my role as a parent.

Less taboos

Several of my colleagues who are working parents regularly make (also public) references to similar challenges, but also joys. As with work-life-balance issues, this focus on what it means to be a (working) parent – especially during this pandemic – humanises our life and work, and the people who make things happen. It also makes all of us facing this situation feel less alone, and allows us to share lessons. The pandemic is a good time to break more taboos and silos between the “professional” and “personal”.