In times of Covid19 restrictions, how much in our lives – and in the world – are we ready to change?
Before Covid19, my freedoms and opportunities to change my life felt endless. I felt empowered to make changes to both my work and private life, and to search for new pathways and ways of doing things. I was looking forward to getting to know new places, people, and trying out new things – and enjoying my freedoms and space for thought and growth.
I was just embarking on a journey to discover where I would have most impact with my work, while maintaining a healthy and fulfilling balance in my private life.
My drive for these changes were in part driven by a philosophical concept that has accompanied me for many years: Friedrich Nietzsche’s concept of eternal recurrence. I wrote about this just before the Covid19 pandemic and lockdowns struck.
“Eternal recurrence means that if you would have to repeat a moment – eternally, again and again – how would you deal with that moment? Would you think twice about doing what you will do?”
Based on this concept, and also the above quote, “Change what you can, accept what you can’t, and be smart enough to know the difference”, I felt that I would be able to change so much. Primarily in my own life, but also through my actions, contributing to more (even if minor) positive change in the world.
And then Covid19 struck
Covid19 and lockdowns have restricted where I can go, what I can do, whom I can continue to meet – not to mention whether I can meet new people. My family life with four children, which I’ve always balanced with a work and private life outside of family, and through a strong school and support network, has taken over my daily life 24/7.
With the lack of freedoms, travel, diversity and change that life before lockdowns granted us, I’ve thought about the concept of eternal recurrence again.
Suddenly, there’s so little I feel I can change.
My daily life feels like it has been externally determined, and on endless repeat. For a year.
I’ve spent a full year trying to accept that “it is what it is” with these lockdowns (in the case of Germany, which has seen hard lockdowns for 8 out of 12 months, and the current lockdown having been in place for 5 months, with no end in sight). I’ve tried to focus on being grateful for what I have, with my family, stability and security, and health system.
What if this is it?
A year ago, most of us thought that a 3-week lockdown would see us through a tough patch. It didn’t. Lockdowns were extended, reimposed, slightly loosened, and then radically tightened. The discovery of vaccines against Covid19 then made us believe that within a few months, things would finally change. They haven’t.
As a friend well put it, 2021 hasn’t brought about change, it feels like a slower and even more painful version of 2020.
What then, if this is how things will stay? What if this day will be on endless repeat for another few months, another year, forever?
What does this mean for my own life? For my impact? For the world?
Gratitude alone will not change the world.
Stuck in the when-then trap
I realise that I have fallen back into the trap of “when, then”. When things get better, I will. When everything changes, I can. When Covid19 ends, I’ll try.
The trap is that “things” don’t change. We – each and every one of us – need to change things.
I, personally, need to make changes to help things get better.
I need to push for and work towards others making changes, for circumstances around me to change.
I need to do much, much more, to help end Covid19. To improve the lives of others. To tackle climate change. To lead a balanced, fulfilled life. Today, every day, as if life were on endless repeat.
And I need to stop spending yet another day, another year, hoping that things will miraculously just change. That someone else, everyone else, will be the change – while I wait.
If this day would repeat forever…
Getting started practically is always the most difficult part of making changes. How do I rebalance my life? How can I have a positive impact on the world around me? What do I keep? What do I let go of? What do I need to change?
Before Covid19, I already made some more radical changes. Our family moved back across continents, to be closer to our relatives, friends, and in a better (safer, more equitable) political culture for our children. I left a high-earning and prestige job that didn’t feel purposeful, and was not personally healthy. I carved out mental space and time to learn, reflect, and help others around me.
But there is so much more I can do, and need to do.
I am sharing a few ideas for what I will try. Practically. Starting today. And tomorrow. And the day after, and after.
- I will keep spending as much time as possible with people I love, whom I care about deeply, and who inspire me with their compassion, humour, and determination. I will be there (in person, virtually) for those people who need me, and shine the light on and help people I consider stars.
- I will keep pushing away people from my life who abuse, manipulate, and bully others. I will try to encourage others to leave or change such harmful environments, and to speak out.
- I will continue to try to look at the big picture and think about what (often complex policy) changes are needed in the world, and not remain only focused on my own bubble, pet and comfort issues, national borders, and well-being.
- I will try to carve out more space for listening, learning, stillness and reflection, so that I can continue to identify moments and retain space for times where I can have impact. I will continue to battle pointless busyness, including scrolling of social media, being sucked into internal email cycles, or meetings for meetings sake.
- I will spend more time self-reflecting whether I am walking my own talk. On equity. Community. Compassion. Diversity. Climate change. On the world I am leaving for my children. What needs to change in my own life – in my consumption, hobbies, taxes, relationships, ways I spend my time?
- I will continue following Covid19 lockdown rules, even though they come at a high personal and mental price. I will, however, try to do so with less bitterness, and try to find more moments of beauty and humour again – and help others in this too.
If today would continue on endless repeat, tomorrow and forever, what would you change? And why are you not changing things right now?
Katri Bertram 