Over the past weeks, I have been caring for a constantly ill toddler, and am in the middle of a big move – and have every day been thankful that I am not doing this on top of a 12-14 hour shift at work.
Anyone who works full-time knows how errands and “life” get squeezed into quick lunch breaks, late evenings, Saturdays (or if in countries with 24/7 opening times, into the weekend). Some people invest a vacation or two into “getting stuff done”, instead of taking vacation. A lot happens online, through outsourcing and delivery, and you cut corners where you can. Your mind is rarely fully present, as work tasks and stress are very difficult to switch off (quickly).
As someone who is very dedicated to my work, I have missed out on a lot during the past years. Birthdays, vacations, recitals, drop-offs and pick-ups. I have not tried “to do it all” or “have it all” (a la Anne-Marie Slaughter), because this has often been logistically impossible (i.e. work conference clash with a birthday, obligatory team meeting clash with a school recital, cooking complex and delicious dinners), or I have simply not had the energy to jet around at the speed of lightning to make it everywhere on time.
I have rarely felt guilty, though, because someone who cares for the children and whom they care about, has been present – either their father, or grandparents / close friends. The kids have never complained, and some part of me that breathes gender equality also enjoys the thought that it’s not always mom who is present – but it can be dad too.
Over the past weeks, I have been enjoying doing things at a different pace again, and not outsourcing most aspects of “life”, in order to make life compatible with “work”. It is fulfilling to see little projects run from gestation to implementation, and to have control of nearly all aspects. But it is also exhausting.
On the one hand, I am able to decide what to do – and what not to. Including the when, how, and with whom. But with a household of six, my days are not just drinking coffees, reading books, taking strolls and catching up with interesting people. The list of errands is endless. Add in a six-person household move, and my shift is again 12 hours, very few breaks.
I have always said that, for me, working compared to care-taking is a piece of cake. Yes, the days are long, and there is a huge amount of (often unnecessary) stress involved. But there’s also (with good leadership) someone else who takes responsibility, takes on the trickiest tasks or advises on these, and makes the big decisions. With larger teams or organizations, there’s a division of labor that you could only dream about at home if you function on a normal salary (accountant, secretary, travel agent, cleaner, etc.). In most workplaces, no-one knocks on the door when you are in the bathroom to ask you where things are (or if you parent toddlers, joins you).
I keep saying (and writing) that I am very aware I live in a very privileged place and time. I can change roles, and dip in and out of more or less care-taking (children and household tasks). There are billions (not just millions, really billions!) of (mainly) women who can not make these decisions. They just do both the care-taking, and the work that feeds the household and puts a roof on their head, because they have to. They cannot afford to outsource, and they do not have much support from their (male) partners due to cultural norms or lack of rights.
For those women who have “outsourced it all”, this blog is a reminder how tough the tasks are that someone else is doing in support. Remember to be grateful. For men who keep shying away from care-taking tasks, this is a reminder of the burden women carry – often on top of work. And to myself, this is a reminder that “life” outside of work is not just a piece of cake. It comes with freedom, but it’s hard work too.
Katri Bertram 